- Turn signals will give away your next move. A real
Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in
Boston may be illegal.
- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be
filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more
dangerous situation.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
"going with the flow."
- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance
you have of getting hit.
- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance states
and the other driver has nothing to lose.
- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage
as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without
ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
- Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after
you pass the last exit before the backup.
- The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to
provide useful information. They are only there to make
Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from
seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn't mean that a Mass driver flashing his
high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in
your spot.
- Please remember that Massachusetts is the Bay State, named so for
a reason. Try to stay on the road.
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
if someone is just changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape and
gives Adopt-a-Highway Crews something to clean up.
- It is assumed that State Police cars passing at high speed may be
followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in
your travel.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to DOT, which places potholes in
various locations to test drivers' reflexes.
- It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that
don't move the instant the light changes.
- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of
way, except in Boston where it acts as an invitation to
duel or play chicken.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding. In Maine it is allowed to stop
and then decide which direction to turn.
- Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get
there first, by whatever means necessary.
- Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye
makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles
per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
-
Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change
any of the previously listed rules. These weather
conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural
selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new
vehicle sales.
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